I DELETED EVERYTHING: Burnout as a creative and “A Type” personality
My little ‘white rabbit’. <3
I deleted it all.
The website I was proud of.
The facebook page I hated - not because I didn’t have an amazing supportive little crew on there, but because… well, I basically just hate facebook these days.
The Instagram page I was stressing over.
And the dozen YouTube’s I’d put up in the past year.
Not to mention ripping down all the inspirational images I was aspiring to…
I think in a lot of ways, an “A Type” personality, is all about A for Aspiration.
The Instagram I was stressing over? I hadn’t posted on in over 6 months…
I had reached my own personal “freeze” point. Where, “if it wasn’t going to get me an “A” in life, it wasn’t worth posting”. And I was, by far, my harshest critic.
Burnout always comes to me after a huge mental battle. See, I live in my head. Ask anyone in my life, and they’ll describe me as “spacy Tracy”. And I always used to joke that I was “away with the fairies”, but truthfully, especially as I’ve gotten older - it’s a battle. It’s a constant battle of “am I good enough”.
And it’s not about, am I good enough as a person - I know I’m not perfect, but I know my heart is always in the right place, and I truly always want the best for others.
But I struggle with being “teachers pet” to life. People pleasing was always my compass (I’m recovering, but occasionally still lapse…) and getting an “A” in what ever I’m doing, is top priority.
So while I don’t expect that everyone will like my photography and creative endeavors - I DO expect, that my work is at the top level standard. Like, the Peter McKinnons of the world. Passionate AND technically epic.
And that includes, having a perfectly curated and aesthetically pleasing Instagram feed that looked tonally gorgeous and had all the right elements.
For the record - I have 120 followers - none of which, I believe, are secretly judging me. (They might be, but I don’t really care. See my judgements on me are harsher than anything they could give me now.)
So how does burnout manifest for me?
Coffee - the answer to ‘almost’ everything. ;)
I call what I have, ‘low level burnout’.
If you want an excellent conversation around this concept of low level burnout- check out the Think Media episode on this - it’s really worth a watch.
I say that, because I don’t push my body to extreme limits.
I get up early, normally between 5 and 6, and I’m generally in bed between 9 and 10 - so, unlike my other half, I don’t burn the candle at both ends. I eat fairly normally. There’s nothing in my life that would physically push me to burnout where I end up sick or hospitalised - which is often the end result of full on burnout.
But mentally? That’s a whole other ball game.
Homeschooling 3 kids, helping to look after my partners family and dealing with a lot there, PLUS trying to keep my own mental sanity, and learn and start to use photography and videography as an actual career.
But I don’t want to put myself ‘out there’ because - well - in my book, I’m not good enough. I can’t guarantee my exact results and I know I’m not as good as the pro’s - so I hold back.
And the pressure blows when I’m not moving forward.
It’s like stalemate - I can’t get better if I don’t go and actually DO it, but I don’t feel ready to do it for other people because, well, I’m not Peter McKinnon…
I also don’t take feedback from people who AREN’T professionals well. So when others say “your photo’s are really good!”, it holds very little weight for me. Which sounds harsh, because they’re all supporting me - which I am truly appreciative of! I have stepped forward because of my little cheer team around me - but now? Now it’s Mastery Level or Bust.
But I’m sick of giving up on things because >I< deem myself unworthy.
So - everything is back up except my YouTube channel (and the inspiration boards I stoically ripped up in my state of “broken-brain”).
I was really proud that I put myself “out there” on YouTube - taken action that wasn’t perfect but I knew I was learning - but I know it’s not what I REALLY want to produce. So I’m leaving that as a blank canvas currently.
And I’m considering a podcast to support other creatives - I mean - I can’t be the only person that feels like this - that gives up because of the mental game?
And for the first time yesterday - I put up some recent photos on my Instagram.
Imperfect. Different colour grades. Random. Not “cohesive”.
I needed the ‘reset’ to just fall in love with it all over again. Like a lovers tiff - until you don’t see them, you don’t realise how much you really needed them in your heart.
